don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just want nice things and good sex
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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