this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
