My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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