i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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