I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
