Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
