i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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