I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
