I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Your cock deserves a montage
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
