if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
