Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
