look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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