I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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