TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
