Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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