Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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