i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
