new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Boobs speak an international language.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize