after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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