I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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