I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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