Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
