Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
