I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
