i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
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