I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
