There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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