hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
