Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
