Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
