1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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