After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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