He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
