So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
