My hand turned me down
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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