i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
