if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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