so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
