please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
