I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
