Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Be still, my beating vagina.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
