the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
