Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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