He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
