Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
