Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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