I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
