when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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