My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
