Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
