I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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