my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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