I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
