Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Randomize
