Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
