So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
