I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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