the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
