whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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