I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
