Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
